Grief..
It looks so different on everyone. Even if someone is smiling, it doesn’t mean their happy. For me, somedays, it’s forcing myself to get out of bed. Other days, it’s forcing a smile on my face like yesterday. I decided to get up and do something with myself. It’s hard because I don’t see myself the way I did before. When we lost Mia, a big part of me went with her. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself even though my appearance on the outside has not changed. Smiling when your world is shattered is hard. Holding yourself together is about as easy as as putting scotch tape over a broken glass and expecting it to still hold water...it ends up failing. Facing the night..the darkness..knowing that your are just so mentally and emotionally spent but you cannot shut off your mind long enough to be able to drift off to sleep. I hold her blanket and just cry silently because it no longer smells of her. But I can remember her 5lb 3oz perfect little self wrapped up and snuggled in it, so that gives me a bit of comfort. I’ll sit in her room sometimes and hold her weighted bear. Or, I hold her little giraffe..it has her heart beat in it. I often find myself feeling as if my chest is going to collapse and it gets hard to breath when I listen to that beautiful sound because I know that is the only sound of my daughter that I will ever hear. You see, we all take things for granted, myself included. The things that people complain about are things I could only wish I was able to do with my little girl. While other count the days that they’ve had their precious babies, some of us are forced to count the number of days since we’ve last seen ours. It’s been 83 days since we’ve held Mia. 83 of the longest darkest days of my life. And sadly there are a lot of people that have a hard time showing empathy for us that are faced with this. You see..the ignorance and hush hush surrounding this subject is tremendous. People need to be educated and grieving families shouldn’t feel ashamed to tell their story, share their babies, and grieve in the sight of others. They shouldn’t have to worry about anyones judgement or anyone feeling “uncomfortable “ or “triggered” becasue they want to make someone else’s pain about them and what they can handle seeing or hearing. I’d never wish this pain on anyone...not even my worst enemy, but man there are some times that I wish some people could just live ONE DAY in my shoes so that they could be better human beings towards those feeling this level of hurt and heart break. Mia’s Mission was created so that nobody ever has to feel as if they are alone! Our story has helped at least one person gain the strength to open up about their loss and has given them hope. Mia’s story has touched so many lives already and just continues to do so. I haven’t reached my goal for the CuddleCots donation, but I am so determined to do so. Mia will be the light to someone’s darkness, I promise you.
I love you so much Mia and miss you every single second. 🥺
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