It’s been 10 weeks..10 weeks of missing you.10 weeks of living without you.10 weeks of sadness and darkness. 10 weeks of feeling lost in a world that just continues to turn. I miss you a little more every day. And nights are the worst. It’s the time that I’m left laying there, so emotionally spent and exhausted, yet my mind will not shut off. The darkness is lonely. It’s the time that I hold your blanket with the thought that you will never again be wrapped up in it.
But I’m working on healing. I’m working on picking up the pieces to my shattered heart and trying to put them back together. I’m seeing a therapist. I have a lot to learn with her. As the days pass, new anxiety arise. I’m due to go back to work soon. ..like really soon. I don’t know if my self as a whole..heart, mind, body, soul..is ready for that. There are so many women that are pregnant or just had their babies. And as silly as it might seem to some, those are HUGE triggers for me and I try to avoid them as much as I possibly can. Some might not think this is healthy, however I know that I need to learn coping skills and acceptance. Thats going to be so extremely difficult…acceptance. Because in my mind, I can’t make sense of any of this. Because in my heart, I can’t accept that she’s not here with us. I look for her everywhere. She’s in every single thing that I do. We’re going to visit family soon and my body aches because I know that she should be going with us.
I was faced with the terrifying experience of having to go back to the same hospital that I had her, and had to have my gallbladder removed, which means I was faced with the anxiety of having to go back into an OR. The traumatic experience I had when having Mia..all alone because we couldn’t wait for John to get there before they took me back for emergency c-section. It gets to me even as I type this out.
But I’m working on healing..and its a slow process. Be patient with me. Be there for me. I will never get over losing my daughter, but I will eventually learn to live every day and live for her.
Until we meet again my sweet angel. I love you.
Always Always .. remembering you, telling your story, saying your name.
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