Hi everyone! I apologize for my absence. It's been a crazy year.
Mia was mine and my husbands IVF miracle. After 5 transfers, we finally were having our happily ever after. Except, it didn't end that way. When we lost Mia at the very end of pregnancy, our worlds shifted into something we couldn't even invision in our worst nightmare. Grief has since taken over but I knew that we still wanted to expand our family. Time wasn't on our side considering how long it took us to get Mia. So I felt the need to rush to do another IVF transfer. So 3 months after losing her, we began our fertility journey yet again. We didn't tell hardly anyone for fear of the unknown and also for fear of judgement. We transferred the week before we went on the remembrance walk for Mia and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. The transfer went horrible. I felt that it was already over right when it began. Then that weekend, we did the walk. I was dealing with stress from some people being disrespectful regarding my daughter, and missing her so damn much. It wasn't a good mindset to be in when trying to maintain a positive outlook on this transfer. My blood draw to test for hcg was about 10 days after and it came back positive! I had no idea what to think! It was a Friday which meant I couldnt do the normal redraw 48 hours later and had to wait until Tuesday. It's supposed to double within 48-72 hours. Mine didn't ..even given the fact that it was 4 days after my first. So I thought I was miscarrying. My heart was broken. My NP thought it could have been an ectopic pregnancy. Once we got in for an ultrasound, we saw the baby and the little flickering heartbeat. As I read the report from my ultrasound, it stated that the heart rate was only 35 bpm. Yet another punch in the gut. Why couldn't anything go right for us. I felt defeated. I checked my report one more time that night and saw that there had been an update stating 'Fetal cardiac activity is documented at 105 bpm not 35. This was a typographical error on first report.' Like what?! How can you make such a huge error like that? At 8 weeks, we had a positive ultrasound..nothing concerning. We could breathe. And then 2 days later, I started bleeding..bad. We had just found out it was a boy and now I'm bleeding horribly and probably miscarrying. My heart couldn't take it. I called my on call OB and they scheduled me for an ultrasound first thing in the morning. I dreaded this because I had had a missed miscarriage of twins around 8 weeks in 2020. We went in and saw a baby with a heartbeat. Thank god! But I had a huge subchorionic bleed right next to the baby that was larger than him and the sac he was in. We now had to fear the possibility that my body would try pass the blood clot and if it did, it would pull the baby out with it. We lived in fear and a constant state of worry for the remainder of my pregnancy. The bleed finally resolved itself by week 20. But we were afraid of any issues we would face in the future. As the MFM doctor said..we were out of the woods but not yet out of the forest. We hid the pregnancy from most everybody. Only our parents and my husbands siblings, my grandmother and one friend of mine knew. We knew that the unexpected could happen and it stopped us from being able to enjoy our pregnancy. Week 36 was so hard. That's the week we lost Mia. We had to make it to week 37 when our scheduled c-section was planned. My doctor was amazing! He holds a very special place in mine and my husbands hearts. He was my doctor with Mia. He tried so hard to save her. I had to have him see us through this pregnancy. And he did everything in his power to make sure this pregnancy was as stress free as he could given the circumstances. We did a lot more monitoring and a lot more visits. He's amazing and I will forever be grateful for him. He allowed us to come in the night before my c-section to help put our minds at ease instead of coming in at 5 the next morning as scheduled. We were so nervous...that morning the emotions were overwhelming. I had to walk into the same OR that I was rushed into with Mia. They allowed me to sit on the bed before entering and cry. And the incredible nurses walked me in when I was ready. They helped me up onto the table and again, just let me cry. One nurse held me as I cried. And then they gave me to spinal tap. My husband was pacing our room while he waited for them to come in and bring him back. They brought him in once I was ready to be prepped for my procedure. We were welcoming our baby boy in just minutes. The moment we heard his cry was one of the single most amazing moments we have shared together. He was here, healthy and everything we had hoped for. We had him on February 17, 2023..exactly 11 months after having our sweet Mia. He's the light in our darkness. But having him doesn't erase the heartache we feel. It doesn't replace Mia..which we weren't trying to at all. It's amazing watching him grow..he's 8.5 months old now..but with each milestone he hits,it can sometimes bring up some really painful realizations that we'll never witness Mia reaching these. Seeing him smile and laugh makes me wonder what her smile and laugh would have been like. It comes with a sense of healing and heartache.
So now here we are..enjoying this sweet boy of ours that we love so much. All while still navigating grief and the trauma of losing our daughter. I still cry. I'm still angry. I still talk to her every day. She is the first person I want to see when I make it to heaven.
When we suffer a loss as great as losing a child, life never seems normal again. Moving forward while your world stands still is difficult. But we remain strong for ourselves and if not for ourselves, we do it for our loved one. Some days are harder than others..remember to give yourself grace. It's okay not to be okay. Take your time as grief and healing has no timeline. And I just remind myself to never let anyone forget..as the world moves forword, please don't forget she existed. Don't be afraid to say her name. It's okay.
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