It's been quite awhile since I've written anything. I'm sorry for the absence. It's been one heck of a year. I'll never understand how a year can fly by yet stand still all at the same time. It's been 8 months since we lost our daughter. EIGHT MONTHS! It has changed me so much..even in ways that I cannot explain. I've lost part of me. I hope to one day find myself again..
So, let's take it back to June.
On the weekend of June 25th, my family, my parents, and my in-laws spent time in Columbus. We participated in the Remembrance Walk that is put together by the organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Being surrounded by so many families that have been affected by this tremendous loss was extremely emotional. Knowing that this is the reality for so many more people than anyone realizes is heartbreaking, but knowing that you are not alone..well..doesn't bring any comfort or peace, but..its nice to know that you are not alone. It was a beautiful turn out--listening to personal stories and releasing butterflies when your angel's name is announced. This is something that our family will participate in every year to remember our sweet Mia and all of the other angel babies.
Back in April, I ordered some jewelry for my husband and I as well as a few people that are special to us. The jewelry I had ordered was from a business called Tree Of Hope Creations. I found Meg on TikTok when I was pregnant with Mia and had originally planned on getting a a breast milk piece created. When tragedy struck, that changed. I ordered memorial pieces that included Mia's ashes. I knew that some would have different opinions about this, but having her close to me in the only physical form that I'm able to is comforting to my heart in some of my deepest moment. When we got home from the remembrance walk, I was given the news that those pieces would be ready that week. I met with Meg to pick them up as well as having the honor to pick up my best friends pieces that included her sons ashes. It was en emotional drive home knowing that these two sweet babies that were taken way too soon were together and knowing that his beautiful mama would have him home within a day or two. The jewelry is beautiful and everyone that we got a necklace for was extremely grateful to have such a special piece.
At the beginning of July, I took my middle daughter to her first concert. I often have a difficult time having a good time or allowing myself to feel any amount of happiness. There's a lot of guilt that comes with feeling happy..I'm working on it in therapy. But she was excited to go and I couldn't let her down. So we got in the car, just her and I, and went to our first Backstreet Boys concert. My inner child was extremely excited 😅 but for that evening, I was able to just enjoy our time together and watch as she smiled and sang her little heart out. The drive home that night was lonely. My daughter has fallen asleep which allowed my thoughts to just wonder as I drove down the dark roads.
July was a busy month. My husband and I took a much needed trip just the two of us. It was relaxing sitting by the ocean in Mexico with the man that has been my absolute strength during our entire relationship. We met new friends and we're able to try to leave all of our troubles and pain back home. Forgetting your pain is impossible, but being in the sun and surrounded by good people brings a little light to the darkness.
Not much happened in August. This kids started school which meant that I was faced with being alone, just me and my pup, for the first part of the day. At first it was hard...staying in bed for most of the time that they were gone. I didn't like going anywhere because there are so many triggers out in public. But being alone let my thoughts run free and my feelings just pour out of me. I spent a lot of time crying.…and angry.
September was our sons birthday. We surprised him and our middle daughter with Luke Combs concert tickets.
October was the concert. The kids loved it! And it was the best concert I've ever attended. As hard it is feeling the guilt of feeling happiness, it's such a beautiful feeling seeing the joy in our kids eyes. October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. All month long, I honored several different angels by placing their names on our window for everyone to see and be able to say their names.
My oldest daughter attended her first dance in October and boy did she look beautiful. October 15th was Wave Of Light and at 7pm, we lit our candle in honor of our daughter and all the other angel babies. (You light a candle at 7pm your time and let it burn for an hour, resting a wave of light for all the babies in heaven to see.
In November our oldest turned 15 which I can't believe. I am so proud of the woman she is becoming. My children have overcome a lot in their lives..been through a lot I'd trauma. They still have healing to do which can literally take years, but I'm so proud of them.
And here we are in December. The weather has changed, it gets dark sooner and seasonal depression has begun on top of the PTSD and depression and anxiety from losing Mia. The holidays are hard. Thinking about all the things that we are missing out on with Mia gone. We were supposed to celebrate her first Christmas this year. We should have a little baby working on crawling and filling the home with giggles and coos. I miss her so much. Her nursery sits..never being filled with her presence. Her crib never slept in. Her stroller still in my trunk.
I'm extremely blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband, children, family, and handful of friends. I couldn't imagine life without them. But man, I'd give anything for our daughter to be here.
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